to the one who #1
this blog is gonna be for a specific group...i think. it may resonate with you in a different way and maybe specific quotes will be applicable other places, but this one is pretty specific. this first honest piece is for the girls who identify themselves, or used to identify themselves, in their identity with alcohol/boys. the girls who are or were the life of the party. who loves physical attention. the girls who cannot wait for friday nights, because they know they're going to be drunk and being drunk is just so fun when its illegal amiriteeeeee!!! (sarcasm kinda except this was actually me)
i feel like i approached this harshly. lets back up some. before i kinda dig into this, i want to clear the air and let everyone know that i am very well aware of being the girl who looks like she doesn't have or has ever had issues. hello, i am the poster child for it. but- this whole journey is going to be raw and real, physical impressions aside. i want you to be able to read this with your impressions of me not in the forefront of your mind. I'm the girl with 55k followers on instagram talking about how much she loved being drunk in high school. yeah thats happening.
so lets dive in *rubs hands together* i had the most amazing group of friends in high school, and i will always love every single one of them. but, honestly, i realized suuuuper recently that there were no deep roots in my friendships with any of them. no real conversations. no real feelings. we loved having fun together, but knew nothing about each others dreams and deep thoughts that happen at 1am. they were the friends that you could call and invite to a party that was that night and they'd say yes, but if you called needing to talk about your feelings that just didn't really happen. maybe it did amongst them, but not with me. the best way we all connected and i connected with them was with alcohol. honestly. we may have had honest drunk conversations that i don't remember, but honestly we all just bonded over the silliness and stupidity of our drunk personalities. looking back, its so weird that 20 seventeen year olds could be so occupied for hours on end drinking alcohol in a basement. like...thats it. thats really all we did. until someone got silly or someone cried. or puked. ha.
but, when i was 19 i started feeling actual conviction for the first time for everything i was doing with my friends and with guys. it started with feeling gross and guilty after, and ended up that i would feel disgusted with myself the entire time before, during, and after whatever i was doing. i was obsessed with people seeing how well i could handle alcohol and be cool drunk, and obsessed with my identity in being a boy's possession. like... 100% fine with being pretty degraded by dudes. during the transition of stopping all of this activity, i lost ALL of the friends i had ever known and went through a break up with a guy that i swore was going to be the death of me (no hard feelings and no wrongful treatment, conviction was just heavy). this was so hard for me because its not like any of my friends did me dirty or like this guy was mean to me or anything like that...the sole reason for ending these relationships was because i felt so crappy in them. i truly did not want to let go of or drift away any of these people, but the conviction and guilt and dissatisfying feelings i was feeling internally from everything i was doing was heavier than anything i have ever felt, and remaining close with them was becoming damaging. none of them treated me badly at all, to say that again because i want that emphasized, i just knew i wanted something more and deeper in friendships and romantic relationships. and at the time, i couldn't identify that. it was just this horrible, heavy feeling i had that no one seemed to understand except for me.
the loneliness after this was real. i didn't spiral into a deep depression or anything, so i can't total resonate with that, but something close was happening. i was lonely as hell, excuse my language. but i really was. i had no friends, no boyfriend after a year and a half, my siblings weren't on the same wave length as i was so i was totally lonely. the few good friends i had moved away to college. cool. and i couldnt believe that me stopping partying was kinda the root of all of this. outside of being drunk or high, or submitting physically to guys, my relationship with the majority of these people was nothing. and thats so weird.
aside from the lonely aspect, i struggled HARD with my worth after this. i thought i would never make new friends because they would judge me, and i knew no friends outside of my very popular friend group i was so used to. i learned the hard way that popularity doesn't get you through life or make you happy or even exist outside of high school. i thought a man would never love me, or even take interest after he knew what I've done. i had this idea of what i dreamed for in life, but my past actions supported none of it and i literally deemed it too far fetched.
im not going to lie and say that there was this huge mega amazing moment where i suddenly felt worthy and redeemed and made a ton of friends in the blink of an eye. the season of being friendless and feeling worthless sucked. and it was so real. the feelings were SO REAL. i think a lot of people have the tendency to down play something when it doesn't exist anymore, or others downplay how you may have felt because they just don't know. but being as real as i can, i get it all. the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness are so real and so heavy and so captivating you will feel like you're drowning in your own negative thoughts about yourself. and people say it, but its true... slowly it'll get better. if you keep your mind on where you wanna be, you'll get there. if you set a day goal, and accomplish it everyday, you will get better. and you will start to realize that you feel good enough to get ready and go to a coffee shop. and then that'll turn into going to the mall. and then, for me, i went to church by myself and met a friend. and that friend introduced me to friends. and it was amazing. so cheesy and annoying and often its not what we wanna hear, but its honest
im not perfect now. please do not assume that i dropped them and that I'm so happy with it. i still struggle hard with thoughts and identification from my past. i catch myself oddly missing the days i partied with my friends because it was fun. i catch myself missing these people from my past and the sadness gets real, but i know my identity is not meant to be in my drunk personality, or smoking pot with my friends, or being the girl who was the life of the party. and its not meant to be chosen by people who encourage that side of me. i am more than that, and its a personal fight every single day to see the good things in me. i think ill always struggle there, maybe, but the thought replacement of knowing i am worthy even with these worries that creep in is the growth.
to the girl reading this post: ^ all of that i said about myself applies to you. you're worth it.
to the girl who struggles with partying with her friends and decisions with boys wondering if there is something more: there is. something deeper and more satisfying for your soul.
to the girl who is in the transition and has no friends, misses her boyfriend and wonders if it would just be easier to go back: it would be easier. but would you be happy if you did? the waiting isn't easy. the memories aren't easy, girl, i still feel it all years later. but you fight it.
to the girl who is like me, and has been there done that and is on the other side: i feel for you when you randomly get upset about what you've done or wonder why you catch yourself missing the people. theres not guilt in it, its real feelings. but- we have to own our stories and take responsibility for what we've done and be there for girls there now.
(this whole honesty thing may or may not mean something to you, but i feel emotional just with this first one. this is good.)