to the one who #2
it would've been way cooler to have this idea i just had before i wrote my first one, but i have an idea as to what I'm going to call these here things. (don't you hate when that happens? its like ending an argument but then thinking of the BIGGEST MIC DROP moment like hours later....so annoying) if you can't tell by the title, they're going to be a series of "to the one who". cool right? is it wrong of me to think my own idea is cool? idc. i like it. anyway....
since my last post, which was too long ago, i have been the busiest human ever. i also got myself in a rut thinking that no one read my stuff. I've been seeing a lot of hate on the internet about people putting content out there, and bc I'm a girl and I'm dramatic, i instantly thought it was all about me directly. then passion conference came around, and i could literally cry thinking about it. people who i met wanted to meet bc of my BLOG. not one person said "omg i love your outfits and make up" or whatever, they said they loved my BLOG. which was huge for me. bc people read it. and thats so cool to me. not that i think i have more wisdom than another, but that people have a little "I'm not alone" moment reading these things. & that's the point of them. so, i was encouraged. and heres my next post:
to the one who is always fine,
hey you. whats up? how you doing? oh you're fine? you're good? no how are you really doing? great, thanks for asking? its so sweet that i care? right?
if you're in this category, I'm with you. I've mastered the convincing "I'm fine" "oh I'm great!!" "yeah I'm good, yeah my family is good too!" because I'm the girl who is always just fine to everyone else. i live under the constant pressure of always being okay. no one puts me under that pressure except for myself, though. its not like people brush off my issues, they just done even know i have ever had them. for me personally, my influence on social media and my family circumstances have molded me into convincing myself that i always have to be okay.
"if the people who look up to me know that I'm struggling with ______, then what are they going to do? they want my positivity. they always thank me for my perspective. so i have to live in that. and my family...well theres enough battles with my siblings and aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews. i can't add to that. plus, like...my problem just isn't that big compared to theirs. i can't stress out my parents" right?
i have totally prided myself in being problem-less. thinking it makes people enjoy talking to me more, or just enjoy me generally more because i don't require much intention. ya know? if they didn't already know about it, then we will keep it that way. and if the ones who know don't ask, i don't say anything. i mean, you always hear people chit chatting about, "oh she's going through a lot..." and when i hear that, i sympathize, but then think in my head 2 things. a) "I'm sure what she/he is going through is worse than me. I'm fine." or b) "i don't want to be that person that people know struggles". and thats malicious.
struggles are real and important. i have, for the majority of my life, thought that struggles were something that weakens you. and talking about them made you weak. I've never been the one who gets upset when people don't ask because i would rather stick to the facade of "I'm good!". which is ironic, because thats what actually makes a person weak. not talking about my crap made me weak to it, not numb. when it finally came time that i faced a lot of stuff i went through growing up, and a lot of things i still face in my family and in my day to day...it felt like hell in my heart to feel it all. i pushed it off for so long. not aggressively like i said, but just gave it 0 attention.
i convinced myself for a while that "no one gets it" so there was really no point, in my mind, in even bringing it up to anyone. but I've learned that someone doesn't have to necessarily "get it" to be there for you. and by waiting for people to "get it" we are putting ourself in an unreachable box. i used to do this, then complain that i had no one around me and then one day it made sense. i was the reason i had no one around me, bc i was just waiting for people to "get it". theres a lot of freedom in letting people in.
i don't want any of this to sound like it only pertains to big, life altering issues. everyone has their thing that they don't really open up about. their parents, life in high school, their past relationship, their job or lack of, their habits/addictions, etc. theres no problem too small, or too big. theres nothing unreachable. like i said, theres a lot of freedom in simply letting people in.
its 2018, everyones making all these resolutions. i think a major one could be to simply open up more this year. this was my challenge to myself last year and now, a year later, i have all new friends, a relationship i thought i would never deserve, an amazing bond with my parents, i moved into two apartments in a span of a few months, i became a part of a church i thought i would never meet anyone in, and I'm just happier. really cool things happen when you take a baby step towards opening up.