the place people don't really talk about
this blog post is dedicated to a friend of mine who told me to be more real with myself and the internet. she will know who she is when she reads this sentence, and probably laugh to herself or spit out her venti vanilla iced coffee. this is a long one. this is your warning.
THIS IS THE PART THAT
THE THUGS SKIP -J. Cole
I've recently (and currently) been in the place in life, or season in life, however you want to receive this sentence, that people don't really talk about. kind of in comparison to when everything happened with justin bieber and selena gomez and he like…deleted his instagram because his life was kinda nuts and he was urinating in public and whatever and then would have this revelation to the public like 17 times about how he's changing. except i didn't delete instagram or pee in public. thankfully. but i have told the public that I'm ok when I'm doing as well as my singing skills….I’m just kinda…..not doing well bc i cant sing and that was that comparison. I'm like justin bieber saying he's fine after peeing in a janitors bucket in public. thats where I'm at.
i don't know when it came to be a thing to hide all of your insecurities and be embarrassed when you're not absolutely thriving, but i have totally fallen into it.
I've totally fallen into the “im doing great!” when someone asks how I'm doing. Ive fallen into the “i don't want to talk about it” when its actually all I want to talk about. Ive fallen into the apologizing for my own feelings and acts out when they're all coming from places of worry. I've fallen into the convincing myself that what is going on isn't “that bad”.
and i think a lot of us have.
I think a lot of us have been here or are here. or maybe I'm just a hormonal 20 year old girl ranting about how the world is ending because don’t we all have those moments? for me they're very often, few make it on the internet, but here we are. this moment must be a big one. so either buckle down and keep reading with caution or run.
it would be a little more normal of me i believe to conquer this season and then write a really inspiring post full of “ive been there” and “if i can you can” but lets be real….do any of us actually read something like that and feel inspired or do we end up envious and catch ourselves completely drooling over the perfection of the person who wrote it because now their life is so great and they once struggled and they're just “soooo relatable” and its how we convince our parents that our unhealthy obsession with them is totally ok because i mean, they like struggled mom duh? plus, if were honest, were all a little weird and slightly evil in the way of we love witnessing peoples falls. we all watched “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE” on youtube a billion times and googled amanda bynes on drugs religiously…because the amanda show amanda bynes, the 'she's the man' AMANDA BYNES was in REHAB and was WEARING WIGS YALL!!! and we obsessed over it. because were all freakin weird and have a weird inclination to be interested in peoples low points. so maybe you're reading this and you're like “oh yeah me too” or maybe you're like “ha her life sucks” but either way. hi. I'm having a melodramatic moment on the internet.
this year, 2017, the greatest year for a lot of music and celebrity couples and everyone else seemingly, has been sucky for me. its like, everyone else life is ed sheeran's new album and my life is chris pratt & anna fairs's divorce. what? yeah. i wont go into great detail on the aspects of my life, mainly because i don't thrive off of pity but also because its just not the point. BUT i will say that theres a loneliness when it seems that everyone around you is having an amazing time, amazing year and you're the one crying in the club. I've been the girl crying in the club since january. (if you don't know what this means, google it)
all the while crying in the club, I've realized things about myself in this time that I've convinced myself are bad, but coming around to an understanding of what the heck is happening to me, I've realized don't necessarily have to be bad things. not that I'm some weird witch lady who can change my fate and read deeply into the meaning of my characteristics, but just like trying to be optimistic here ok??
im sensitive. not in an obnoxious way i guess of being verbally sensitive, but relationship wise. like….recently i got really pissed that my friends ate pizza without me and i literally let it ruin my entire day? what even am i? a 20 year old hormonal GIRL?!!! yeah. but thats hardly an excuse. I'm sensitive and I'm currently trying to reconstruct my actions to lean my sensitivity to being more caring rather than dramatic about pizza.
im more private than i realized. ME? PRIVATE? ME? THE GIRL WHO SHARES A LOT OF HER LIFE TO 80 THOUSAND PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET???? THE GIRL WHO DANCES IN PUBLIC AT ANY GIVEN CHANCE??? and like, no offense, but 79.8 thousand of you i never see. so obviously i can throw my gushing heart out on a computer or shattered iPhone screen (bc majority of us have shattered screens amirite???) with a lack of embarrassment because its not often i have to face what I've posted. which is an odd concept I've found myself in but its true. I'm a lot more public with my problems on the internet than i even am in REAL LIFE. have i turned into a social media personality and a zombie in real life???? am i that???? no, i cant be. jk, I'm not a zombie. I'm just kinda private. so, in my witch craft way, I'm trying to find the balance and beauty in being vulnerable both in life and on the internet. because i benefit from both. you benefit from this. people probably wont benefit from me being hormonal in real life, but majority of us win.
im an overthinker. i have convinced myself out of plans more times this year than i have in my entire life. one time i counted how many times i changed my outfit before leaving my house and it was 11…..ELEVEN TIMES I COMPLETELY CHANGED MY OUTFIT. and it was probably right after i cleaned my room and then destroyed it with clothes because some how every female has this amazing skill of completely destroying a perfectly clean room while getting ready. its a luxury of a skill, honestly. but back to seriousness… i bring make up with me everywhere i go to touch up before i see people. i drive in silence in the car thinking about what other people are thinking of me or thought of me when i was with them. i let people kinda push me over just so i don't deal with the mental stress of me trying to make a plan for them. i overthink myself to a minor panic, like for real, and it ultimately ends in an odd rage where i scream “I FEEL UGLY” or just let out a big and verbal “UGH” because again…..hormonal…..this is one of those girl code moments where you just say “yeah same!!!” so i don't feel crazy. like when girls say, “i don't shave my legs a lot in the winter do you???” and you JUST SAY ME EITHER EVEN IF YOU THINK THEYRE GROSS OK!!!!
again, maybe you're reading all of this and you feel a sense of relief of humor in the fact that none of us are alone in our over-dramatic way of life, or maybe you're the perfect person who is reading this and saying “oh bless her heart” and just know…youre on the list with the girls who say “ew no” when we talk about leg shaving in december. just kidding….youre still alright….but let the rest of us have our moment. to conclude this monologue, which if i could have this moment made perfectly exactly how i wanted it, i would be in an all white perfect aesthetically pleasing room in a blush pink silk robe with perfect skin eating something organic writing in an anthropology journal. but, i have no make up on, I've been in the same shirt for two days, my legs aren't smooth and my hair is dirty. i have tooth paste on my zits and my coffee is cold, but sometimes thats just life and we gotta be honest with ourselves and others. thats all i got. wish i had a call to action or something but i dont. soon thats that.