real talk

I'm just trying to keep it real real.

*cue this is me from the greatest showman*

y'all. yeah, i said y'all. I'm not the prim and proper utah blogger who has perfect hair and eye lash extensions, who is always tan, has 3 beautiful children who seem to never misbehave, who probably says "you guys" instead of "y'all". but, i am none of those things, so here i am started a blog with the word "y'all". 

but for real. lets just cut straight to it, shall we? i always appreciated people who don't fluff you up before saying what they actually want to say. anywaysssss... I have been in a funk. a rut. a hard place. a please-dont-critique-anything-i-do-because-i-may-start-crying-and-question-every-life-decision-ive-ever-made-and-apologize-to-my-parents-daily-for-not-being-an-independent-scholar-and-inventing-new-and-improved-sillybandz-or-something place. ya know? I've felt like lately any and every attempt i make at doing anything useful fails. not in an over depressingly way, please don't think that, but in a way that has just annoyed me and made me pissed at myself. I've been so focused on everything that i didn't looove and would like a little different, that I've totally overlooked everything that is amazing, and everything that is coming. thats the moral of it all, if you just wanna ditch now. but- im writing about all of this to kinda show that people get in funks, y'all. like...even the people you think who don't. and people may not publicize them, but I'm about keeping it real and keeping people in the know. I'm not ignorant to the fact that people read my stuff, I'm also not ignorant to the fact that there will be people who scoff at me writing this saying that I'm seeking attention or whatever...but not the case. I'm just not going to pretend life is perfect. 60,000+ people don't need to be fooled by that. mini rant over. 

since my birthday (i think), i kinda sunk myself deep into a lot of self loathing. the things that i was really proud of myself for like not following the norm of going to college, and being out spoken about my faith, and keeping my circle of people small, etc, became things that felt like they were attacking me. i started feeling like an idiot for not going to school, thinking that I'm such a failure with no degree. i suddenly felt like i was never going to amount to anything substantial. i shied away from being so outspoken about my faith. confusing myself with needing more people to like me before i shared my faith, and realizing that my faith is what makes me who i am. i started thinking that my faith was the cherry on top to who i was, instead of it being the whole-freakin-thing. i started believing that my faith is what ruined a lot of my old amazing friendships, using the word "ruined" instead of "removing". i started thinking that i wasn't capable of having good friendships because i had such a small amount of people around me. i 100% took every single thing, pretty much, that made me who i am and flipped them all to not like them, ultimately making me not enjoy who i am as much. again, not to be taken too dramatically, just knocked me a little bit. 

people say a lot that they look forward to my posts and lately that has confused me so much. why would anyone want to hear what i have to say? why would anyone care about what i write? ever been there? where you almost get aggravated at people saying NICE and ENCOURAGING things to you? i realized that me being aggravated at compliments and encouragement wasn't their fault, but mine. my own problems made me aggravated. the person wasn't annoying me, i was annoying me. by being not myself. i started taking on traits and thoughts that weren't my own, so no wonder i was so bothered all the time! it was almost like being with another person 24/7. it was my true self in a constant battle with this other person that lies and satan were trying to mold me to become. she, who i was trying to be, was just a super cool, relatable, always put together, really calm, go with the flow, 'doesn't care about anything' type of girl. so i justified trying to become this. because none of that sounds bad, right? but i, am still kinda cool if you ask my parents, jesus loving, sometimes wears no make up and the same outfit 2 days in a row, kinda sometimes emotional, plan oriented type of girl. which IS NOT BAD. i was just so obsessed with this other personalty type that i was trying to change all of this about me. and when i kept trying to be this other thing, not realizing that it wasn't me 'bettering' myself, but actually me 100% FOOLING myself, i wasn't as happy as i am when i embrace who and what i actually am. 

but maybe this looks different for you. maybe you’re spending all of your time doing things your morality, or your 'inner voice' doesn't agree with. maybe you're spending more time intoxicated than sober, more time trying to be skinny than trying to be healthy. maybe you're trying so hard to impress those people who just are not good people. maybe you're exhausting yourself trying to pretend that you are perfectly ok, and that you are so many things that you just aren't. you're tired, and you're more lonely than you seem. and you're angry, and don't even totally realize why. you're spending all this time with another person, the person you're trying to be. and you're not meant to be that person, hence why things are probably not going smoothly. 

i just couldnt help but think that there may be someone in this position. in a constant battle with who you ARE and who something else is trying to make you believe you are, or feel like you 'should be' because for some reason is seems 'cooler' than who you are. we have to stay true to ourselves, y'all. we have to remember the things that make us who we are. theres always someone looking up to you, seeing what you do and how you enjoy life, ya know? we can't encourage people to do something that we ourselves are not even doing, and we can't spend our short lives conforming to others.  

so maybe I'm 21 with a few really awesome friends. maybe you're 18 and don't wanna drink with your friends on the weekends. maybe I love jesus, and i don't care what that makes you think of me. maybe you are so tired and just need to rest in who you are, and spend some time rediscovering yourself. find the excitement in who you are, how different and unique you are. it may not be like your friend, or the person you see online, but that does not make you less than them. you are awesome. 

*cue this is me from the greatest showman*